i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
