Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
