meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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