I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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