Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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