Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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