I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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