She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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