the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
