his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
