She went from zero to smokin in five shots
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
