i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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