Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
