overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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