I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
