fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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