Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
