One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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