Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
