last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
