we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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