Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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