Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
