sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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