I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It's like God shit irony all over that family
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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