I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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