Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
