You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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