our cab driver is having phone sex.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
