So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm passing your future prison.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
