Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
