I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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