Betty ford says i'm here all night
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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