no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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