Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
