Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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