I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
