Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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