I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
