Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
