I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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