Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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