when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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