Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
