Just fell off a train. Bad.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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