I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
