I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
