i already hear my dad disowning me
even my farts smell like vagina
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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