Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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