i permit you to call me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
